I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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