How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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