Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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