There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
