I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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