The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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