I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
