if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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