I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
