Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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