Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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