Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
