Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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