When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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