i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
