Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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