need another drink. this is the easiest way
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
