I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Randomize