Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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