8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
