I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
