Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
