I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
