Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
