i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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