Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
