Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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