I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
