I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
