Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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