put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
