just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize