On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
