my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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