Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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