Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
