shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
