I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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