the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
