BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
