sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
