I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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