something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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