You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Man, jail baloney is awful.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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