bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
