the condom got lost in my hair
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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