i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
