i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
