its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Be still, my beating vagina.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
