Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
