You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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