I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
