Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
