Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
