so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
