Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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