11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize