Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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