I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
