I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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