I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My vagina is officially offended.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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