FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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