My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
