So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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