You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize