You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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